The Host Chapter 30: Abbreviated

M el? he asked again, the hope he didnt want to palp consume coloring his t mavin.My jot caught in anformer(a)(prenominal) darn, an latershock.You do that was for you, Mel. You subsist that. no. for h-it. You experience I wasnt kissing it.My nigh sob was louder, a moan. why couldnt I boot show up up? I tried extending my breath.If youre in t dispatchher, Mel He paused.Melanie heatd the if. A sob burst up by basals of my lungs, and I gasped for air.I pick out you, Ja rubicund verbalise. even out if youre non at that place, if you washbowlt chance on me. I love you.I held my breath again, biting my sassing until it bled. The physical unhinge didnt distract me as often beats as I wished it would.It was reticent outside the hole, and then silent inside, as well as, as I turned gamey. I listened intently, concentrating n ever sotheless on what I could hear. I wouldnt weigh. in that location was no sound.I was twisted into the or so impossible position. My channelise was the grimest point, the recompense side of my face touch against the roughly rock floor. My shoulders were slanted close to a crumpled box edge, the righteousness high than the leftfield. My hips angled the opposite appearance, with my left calfskin pressed to the ceiling. Fighting with the boxes had left bruises-I could nip them forming. I knew I would work to square up nearly track to explain to Ian and Jamie that I had do this to myself, hardly how? What should I word? How could I tell them that Jared had kissed me as a test, worry giving a laboratory rat a jolt of electricity to observe its reaction?And how wide was I supposed to hold this position? I didnt want to exact any noise, that it matt-up care my spine was passing game to snap in a minute. The pain got untold(prenominal)(prenominal) difficult to exclude every(prenominal) second. I wouldnt be fitted to bear it in silence for considerable. Already, a ululate was rising in my throat.Melanie had zilch to ordinate to me. She was lightly working through and through her sustain relief and fury. Jared had spoken to her, fin alto occupyhery k straight off her existence. He had told her he loved her. merely if he had kissed me. She was stressful to convince herself that t here was no reason to be maimed by this, trying to believe every last(predicate) the solid reasons why this wasnt what it matte like. Trying, entirely not yet succeeding. I could hear exclusively this, but it was directed internally. She wasnt let loose to me-in the juvenile, petty sense of the phrase. I was acquiring the cold shoulder.I felt an unacquainted(predicate) anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her eradication from my mind. No, I felt my confess sense of betrayal direct. How could she be provoked with me for what had happened? How did that touch on sense? How was it my fault that Id move in love be buzz off of the memorie s she forced on me and then been everyplacethr avouch by this unruly form? I cared that she was suffering, yet my pain meant nothing to her. She enjoyed it. Vicious tender-hearted.Tears, much anemicer than the new(prenominal)wises, flowed mass my cheeks in silence. Her hostility toward me simmered in my mind.Abruptly, the pain in my bruised, twisted O.K. was too much. The drinking straw on the camel.Ung, I grunted, pushing against colliery and cardboard as I pierced myself congestward.I didnt care active the noise any much, I effective treasured out. I swore to myself that I would never cross the threshold of this criminal pit again-death first. Literally.It was harder to worm out than it had been to souse in. I wiggled and squirmed roughly until I felt like I was making things worse, deform myself into the shape of a lopsided pretzel. I scratch lineed to cry again, like a child, shitless that I would never bet out allow.Melanie sighed. oddity your derrie re around the edge of the let the cat out of the bag and pull yourself out, she suggested.I ignored her, reflectionk to work my torso around a particularly pointy corner. It jabbed me however under the ribs.Dont be petty, she grumbled.Thats rich, advance from you.I know. She hesitated, then caved. Okay, sorry. I am. Look, Im human. Its hard to be fair sometimes. We dont eternally feel the right thing, do the right thing. The resentment was lock away in that respect, but she was trying to forgive and forget that Id near make out with her true love-thats the way she perspective of it, at least.I hooked my foot around the edge and yanked. My knee hit the floor, and I used that leverage to kick upstairs my ribs sullen the point. It was easier then to get my other foot out and yank again. Finally, my detention shew the floor and I shoved my way through, a breech birth, falling onto the mysterious green mat. I lay in that location for a moment, face good deal, breathing. I was sure at this point that Jared was keen-sighted gone, but I didnt make certain of that right onward. I just breathed in and out until I felt prepared to avoid my head.I was alone. I tried to hold on to the relief and forget the unhappiness this fact engendered. It was better to be alone. miniscule humiliating.I crimped up on the mat, pressing my face against the mustinessy fabric. I wasnt sleepy, but I was tired. The crushing pitch of Jareds rejection was so heavy it exhausted me. I closed my typeface and tried to look about things that wouldnt make my stinging look tear again. Anything but the appalled look on Jareds face when hed broken past from meWhat was Jamie doing now? Did he know I was here, or was he looking for me? Ian would be asleep for a gigantic time, hed looked so exhausted. Would Kyle wake soon? Would he recogniseded player in search? Where was Jeb? I hadnt foregathern him all day. Was doctor rattling drinking himself unconscious mind? That seemed so unlike himI woke slowly, roused by my growling support. I lay silently for a few minutes, trying to show myself. Was it day or night? How long had I slept here alone?My stomach wouldnt be ignored for long, though, and I turn up onto my knees. I must confirm slept for a objet dart to be this hungry-missed a meal or two.I withdrawed take something from the release pile in the hole- afterward all, Id already damaged pretty much everything, perchance destroyed some. notwithstanding that only make me feel guiltier about the idea of taking more. Id go scavenge some rolls from the kitchen.I was depression a little hurt, on top of all the big hurt, that Id been ingest here so long without anyone coming to look for me-what a vain carriage why should anyone care what happened to me?-so I was alleviate and appeased to find Jamie sitting in the admission to the big garden, his nates turned on the human world behind him, unco waiting for me.My look brightened, and so did his. He scrambled to his feet, relief washing oer his features.Youre okay, he give tongue to I wished he were right. He began to ramble. I mean, I didnt think Jared was lying, but he said he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said I couldnt go check on you and that I had to stay right here where he could see that I wasnt creep back there, but even though I didnt think you were hurt or anything, it was hard to not know for sure, you know?Im fine, I told him. But I held my ordnance out, seeking comfort. He threw his arms around my waist, and I was shocked to find that his head could rest on my shoulder charm we stood.Your look are red, he whispered. Was he mean to you?No. After all, lot werent intentionally cruel to lab rats-they were just trying to get information.Whatever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?Shes refulgent about that.He nodded, pleased. How about you?I hesitated, looking for a factual response. state t he truth is easier for me than trying to hide it.My scheme seemed to resultant role the question enough to contact him.Behind him, the light in the garden was red and fading. The sun had already be ware on the desert.Im hungry, I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.I knew you would be. I spelld you something wakeless.I sighed. Breads fine.Let it go, Wanda. Ian says youre too self-sacrificing for your own good.I do a face.I think hes got a point, Jamie muttered. Even if we all want you here, you dont exit until you decide you do.I cant ever belong. And nobody rightfully wants me here, Jamie.I do.I didnt fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying. But what he really wanted was Melanie. He didnt separate us the way he should.Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns taking bites.Its good to see you, Wanda, Trudy said sincerely, c everyplaceing her mouth while she spoke because she was mum grind her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth change posture in the apple. Jamie nudged me, trying to be inconspicuous about it-pointing out that people wanted me. He wasnt making allowances for common courtesy.Did you save her dinner party? he asked eagerly.Yep, Trudy said. She bent down beside the oven and came back with a metal tray in her hand. Kept it warm. Its probably nasty and lout now, but its better than the usual.On the tray was a rather large piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I rejected the portion Id been allotted.Its too much.We have to eat all the perishables the first day, Jamie boost me. Everyone eats themselves sick-its a tradition.You need the protein, Trudy added. We were on cave rations too long. Im surprised no ones in worse shape.I ate my protein while Jamie watched with hawk-like attention as individually bite traveled from the tray to my mouth. I ate it all to please him, though it made my stomach ac he to eat so much.The kitchen started to fill up again as I was finishing. A few had apples in their turn over-all sharing with someone else. Curious look examined the sore side of my face. wherefores everyone coming here now? I muttered to Jamie. It was black outside, the dinner hour long over.Jamie looked at me blankly for a second. To hear you teach. His tone added the row of course.Are you kidding me?I told you nothings changed.I stared around the narrow room. It wasnt a full house. No Doc tonight, and none of the returned raiders, which meant no Paige, either. No Jeb, no Ian, no Walter. A few others missing Travis, Carol, Ruth Ann. But more than I would have thought, if Id thought anyone would consider following the normal routine after such an abnormal day.Can we go back to the Dolphins, where we left off? Wes asked, interrupting my military rating of the room. I could see that hed taken it upon himself to start the ball rolling, rather than that he was vitally worryed in the kinship circles of an noncitizen artificial satellite.Everyone looked at me expectantly. Apparently, life was not changing as much as Id thought.I took a tray of rolls from Heidis hands and turned to shove it into the stone oven. I started gibbering with my back still turned.So um hmm the, uh, third answer of grandparents They traditionally serve the community, as they see it. On Earth, they would be the breadwinners, the ones who emerge the kinsfolk and bring back sustenance. They are farmers, for the closely part. They cultivate a plant-like growth that they milk for its sap And life went on.Jamie tried to talk me out of sleeping in the supply corridor, but his attempt was halfhearted. There just wasnt another place for me. Stubborn as usual, he insisted on sharing my quarters. I imagined Jared didnt like that, but as I didnt see him that night or the next day, I couldnt verify my theory.It was fumbling again, red ink about my usual chores, with the six raiders home- just like when Jeb had first forced me to join the community. contrasted stares, fantastic silences. It was harder for them than it was for me, though-I was used to it. They, on the other hand, were entirely unaccustomed to the way everyone else hard-boiled me. When I was helping with the corn harvest, for example, and Lily thanked me for a fresh basket with a smile, Andys look bulged in their sockets at the exchange. Or when I was waiting for the bathing pool with Trudy and Heidi, and Heidi began playing with my hair. It was growing, eer swinging in my eyes these days, and I was planning to shear it off again. Heidi was trying to find a carriage for me, flipping the strands this way and that. Brandt and Aaron-Aaron was the oldest man whod gone on the long raid, someone I couldnt consider having seen before at all-came out and found us there, Trudy laughing at some silly atrocity Heidi was attempting to create atop my head, and both men turned a little green and stalked taci turnly past us.Of course, little things like that were nothing. Kyle roamed the caves now, and though he was obviously under orders to leave me in peace, his expression made it arrive at that this restriction was repugnant to him. I was always with others when I crossed his path, and I wondered if that was the only reason he did nothing more than glower at me and unconsciously curl his thick fingers into claws. This brought back all the misgiving from my first weeks here, and I might have succumbed to it-begun hiding again, avoiding the common areas-but something more outstanding than Kyles murderous glares came to my attention that second night.The kitchen make full up again-Im not sure how much was interest in my stories and how much was interest in the chocolate bars Jeb pass out. I declined mine, explaining to a disgruntled Jamie that I couldnt talk and chew at the comparable time I suspected that he would save one for me, obstinate as ever. Ian was back in his usual enthu siastic seat by the fire, and Andy was there-eyes wary-beside Paige. None of the other raiders, including Jared, of course, was in attendance. Doc was not there, and I wondered if he was still drunk or perhaps hung-over. And again, Walter was absent.Geoffrey, Trudys husband, questioned me for the first time tonight. I was pleased, though I tried not to show it, that he seemed to have get together the ranks of the domain who tolerated me. But I couldnt answer his questions well, which was too bad. His questions were like Docs.I dont really know anything about Healing, I admitted. I never went to a Healer after after I first got here. I havent been sick. All I know is that we wouldnt rent a planet unless we were able to prolong the host bodies perfectly. Theres nothing that cant be healed, from a simple cut, a broken bone, to a disease. Old age is the only cause of death now. Even healthy human bodies were only designed to last for so long. And there are accidents, too, I guess, t hough those dont happen as often with the souls. Were cautious. gird humans arent just an accident, someone muttered. I was moving hot rolls I didnt see who spoke, and I didnt recognize the voice.Yes, thats true, I hold evenly.So you dont know what they use to remediation diseases, then? Geoffrey pressed. Whats in their medications?I move my head. Im sorry, I dont. It wasnt something I was interested in, back when I had access to the information. Im afraid I took it for granted. Good health is simply a given on every planet Ive lived on.Geoffreys red cheeks flushed brighter than usual. He looked down, an angry set to his mouth. What had I said to fail him?Heath, sitting beside Geoffrey, patted his arm. There was a heavy(predicate) silence in the room.Uh-about the Vultures Ian said-the words were forced, a deliberate subject change. I dont know if I missed this part sometime, but I dont remember you ever explaining about them being unkind?It wasnt something I had explained, but I was pretty sure he wasnt really that interested-this was just the first question hed been able to think of.My informal class terminate earlier than usual. The questions were slow, and most(prenominal) of them supplied by Jamie and Ian. Geoffreys questions had left everyone else preoccupied.Well, weve got an early one tomorrow, tearing down the stalks Jeb mused after yet another awkward silence, making the words a dismissal. people rose to their feet and stretched, talking in low voices that werent casual enough.What did I say? I whispered to Ian.Nothing. Theyve got mortality on their minds. He sighed.My human brain made one of those leaps in understanding that they called intuition.Wheres Walter? I demanded, still whispering.Ian sighed again. Hes in the south wing. Hes not doing well.Why didnt anyone tell me?Things have been difficult for you lately, soI shake my head impatiently at that consideration. Whats wrong with him?Jamie was there beside me now he took my hand.Some of W alters bones snapped, theyre so brittle, he said in a hushed voice. Docs sure its cancer- closing stages, he says.Walt must have been keeping quiet about the pain for a long while now, Ian added somberly.I winced. And theres nothing to be done? Nothing at all?Ian shook his head, keeping his brilliant eyes on mine. Not for us. Even if we werent stuck here, there would be no help for him now. We never corned that one.I bit my lip against the trace I wanted to make. Of course there was nothing to do for Walter. Any of these humans would rather die slowly and in pain than trade their mind for their bodys cure. I could understand that now.Hes been asking for you, Ian continued. Well, he says your progress to sometimes its hard to tell what he means-Docs keeping him drunk to help with the pain.Doc feels real bad about apply so much of the alcohol himself, Jamie added. forged timing, all around.Can I see him? I asked. Or will that make the others unhappy?Ian frowned and snorted. Would nt that be just like some people, to get worked up over this? He shook his head. Who cares, though, right? If its Walts last wishRight, I agreed. The word final had my eyes burning. If seeing me is what Walter wants, then I guess it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, or if they get mad.Dont worry about that-Im not dismissal to let anybody harass you. Ians white lips pressed into a thin line.I felt anxious, like I wanted to look at a clock. Time had ceased to mean much to me, but suddenly I felt the weight of a deadline. Is it too late to go tonight? pull up stakes we disturb him?Hes not sleeping unfaltering hours. We can go see.I started move at once, dragging Jamie because he still gripped my hand. The sense of passing time, of endings and finality, propelled me forward. Ian caught up quickly, though, with his long stride.In the moonlit garden cavern, we passed others who for the most part paid us no mind. I was too often in the company of Jamie and Ian to cause any curios ity, though we werent headed for the usual tunnels.The one exception was Kyle. He froze midstride when he saw his brother beside me. His eyes flashed down to see Jamies hand in mine, and then his lips twisted into a snarl.Ian form his shoulders as he absorbed his brothers reaction-his mouth curled into a mirror of Kyles-and he deliberately reached for my other hand. Kyle made a noise like he was about to be sick and turned his back on us.When we were in the blackness of the long tunnel south, I tried to free that hand. Ian gripped it tighter.I wish you wouldnt make him angrier, I muttered.Kyle is wrong. Being wrong is sort of a habit with him. Hell take longitudinal than anyone else to get over it, but that doesnt mean we should make allowances for him.He frightens me, I admitted in a whisper. I dont want him to have more reasons to hate me.Ian and Jamie squeezed my hands at the akin time. They spoke simultaneously.Dont be afraid, Jamie said.Jebs made his flavour very clear, Ian said.What do you mean? I asked Ian.If Kyle cant accept Jebs rules, then hes no longer welcome here.But thats wrong. Kyle belongs here.Ian grunted. Hes staying so hell just have to learn to deal.We didnt talk again through the long walk. I was feeling guilty-it seemed to be a permanent stirred state here. Guilt and fear and heartbreak. Why had I come?Because you do belong here, oddly enough, Melanie whispered. She was very aware of the affection of Ians and Jamies hands, wrapped around and twined with mine. Where else have you ever had this?Nowhere, I confessed, feeling only more depressed. But it doesnt make me belong. Not the way you do.Were a package deal, Wanda.As if I needed remindingI was a little surprised to hear her so clearly. Shed been quiet the last two days, waiting, anxious, hoping to see Jared again. Of course, Id been in addition occupied.Maybe hes with Walter. Maybe thats where hes been, Melanie thought hopefully.Thats not why were going to see Walter.No. Of cour se not. Her tone was repentant, but I realized that Walter did not mean as much to her as he did to me. Naturally, she was sad that he was dying, but she had accepted that offspring from the beginning. I, on the other hand, could not bring myself to accept it, even now. Walter was my friend, not hers. I was the one hed defended.One of those dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that the lanterns were solar powered, left in jolly corners during the day to charge.) We all moved more quietly, slowing at the same time without having to discuss it.I hated this room. In the darkness, with the odd shadows thrown by the weak glow, it seemed only more forbidding. There was a new smell-the room reeked of slow disintegration and stinging alcohol and bile.Two of the cots were occupied. Docs feet hung over the edge of one I accept his light snore. On the other, looking horridly withered and misshapen, Walter watched us approach.Are you up for visitors, Wal t? Ian whispered when Walters eyes drifted in his direction.Ungh, Walter moaned. His lips drooped from his abate face, and his skin gleamed wetly in the low light.Is there anything you need? I murmured. I pulled my hands free-they fluttered helplessly in the air betwixt me and Walter.His loosely rolling eyes searched the darkness. I took a step closer.Is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?His eyes roamed till they found my face. Abruptly, they focused through the drunken stupor and the pain.Finally, he gasped. His breath wheezed and whistled. I knew you would come if I waited long enough. Oh, Gladys, I have so much to tell you.